Was Blind But Now I See

It started when I got jealous of him playing in a band with a girl he fancies. Then I started to realize that I was falling for him. Then this feeling started to take control over my rationality and I started to act like a b*tch.

Yes, jealousy almost got the best of me. Waktu hari Selasa saat gw baca - tentunya dengan mata kepala sendiri - betapa senangnya dia latihan dengan sang idolawati, rasanya gw ga bisa ngerasain any single happiness in this world. Of course I said to myself, "God, ay, it's just a crush! It's not that he's gonna end up with her anyway. He's still closer to you than to her! You're one of his best friend, remember??" But unfortunately, emotion still overpowered me so I did the unspeakable; being obnoxious to everybody!

I ignored him when he greeted me, I gave a very disturbed facial expression to my Apreser friends, I even behaved badly to my so-called 'brother' whom I care so much about, and also in front of Ratih who loyally accompanied me during his band rehearsal. I left myself feeling guilty of that and I really regret what I had done. Being obnoxious and b*tchy is soooo not me and I let people see those negative qualities in my behaviour.

So, dear readers, you can say that I was blinded with jealousy. There. I admit it. I am a selfish ego-centric careless cruel mean obnoxious female canine when I'm jealous.

But luckily, my dear mother 'slapped' me.

When I told her my problems from the very beginning to the very brand new, she told me this, "Honey, don't sweat it. Don't push your feelings towards him. It's okay to hope though, but you doing this means you begin wanting some kind of reward from him. It's annoying and you'll only make him avoid you by being mad like this."

One hella slap.

Then this darkness that blinded me suddenly disappear and I think how foolish I was to be overpowered with irrational jealousy. Of course I don't want him to avoid me. Yes, it goes without saying that I don't wanna hurt him either. All of my life I've hated someone who push his/her feelings to his/her special someone and I almost turned into someone I hate. Imagine if that really happens to me... Thanx to Mom, I now can see that I'm getting too demanding because of my feelings AND I'm safe from the agony of being someone whom I hate.

So what am I gonna do now that I can see? Well.. I'm gonna take it slow. I'm gonna be nice to that girl. I'm gonna behave nicely to him and be patient with him. I'm gonna wait for him and take his heart little by little. I'm not gonna throw tantrums to some other people. I'm not gonna give up easily. I'm not gonna be demanding and giving if only for a reward. And the last, I'm...a survivor. (ga nyambuuuuuunnnnggggg!!!!)

Many special thanks to Mom for the light she gave me.