what are you looking for?

The question was raised again by Dad yesterday's afternoon. So I did the usual routine.

I pouted, and say whatever argument that came to mind. The reason was weak, but at least the pouting worked - at least for today.

For your information, Dad's question wasn't meant at concrete stuffs. I wasn't looking for my glasses or some important documents. It is something abstract and very important to be found; the main reason why you do the things you do.

The titular question has nagged me since I went out late during my college years and it was asked for most of my non-academic activities, even though I did benefit from those activities. Recently, the question is addressed to stuffs ranging from non-work matters to.. well, everything, basically. Like, "What are you looking for in ... [dancing lessons/managing a band/doing consulting work in Bandung/etc.]?"

He never forgets to ask that question at me.

I know Dad wants me to have a clear direction in life. No, let me rephrase that; a concise guideline on how to live my life. I also know that Dad is just hoping I get the best out of life. (Un)fortunately, there are also a lot of people like Dad around me. Say... some of my relatives, and some of my lecturers a.k.a. Mom's friends who look concerned with my faith (ok, I'm exaggerating a bit). Their questions are different, but hold the same true core; What would you do with your life, Budiarti Rahayu? Will you take a Master degree soon? Does it cross your mind to be the successor of your Mom's job? What do you really pursue when you choose to go back to Bandung and work in a local company? Got a husband potential yet?

I don't know and I don't think this is a bad thing, at the moment. I enjoy living my life as it is, without planning any serious objectives and time to accomplish. 

Because, you see, there's also a benefit in having no direction at all - as well as having them. I used to dream about being a consultant and now I am one, but it's not my picture perfect one. But I am grateful right now for it so I know I ain't choosing this type of work when I get married. And as for having no directions, I am grateful I did once managed a band and sucked at it so I know I'm not cut for it. And hey, I'm happy when I dance, so isn't that enough reason for those lessons?

But of course, I'd like to take a Master or MBA degree. And I will look for a husband, eventually (but am now relishing the fact that despite alone, am romantically problem-free *evil laughs*). Being a lecture in ITB? Why not? Not having sorted the whats, whens and hows out yet, doesn't mean I am helplessly lost.

Bah, I'm blabbering nonsense and I'm probably being too laidback for my own good. But believe me, that question always comes to consideration most of the time recently and it's evolving into a new question; Whom do I want to be?

And that, my friend, with all the previous questions, will have their answers. :)