What I Want, What They Want

'If you don't find any school or scholarship abroad by this year, I will enroll you to our MSc programme', 'Why don't you just apply for our MSc program? We need you here.', 'Just take that offer. You can go abroad when you take your Doctoral degree'.

My heart sank. This is not what I want for me.

The next day, there was this movie, called 'An Education', where the female protagonist was pushed by her teacher to pursue her higher degree in one of the most prestigious universities because she would waste her talent if she didn't go there (and the female protagonist seemed to want to go too). I was struck by this. Isn't this what teachers are supposed to tell their students, to reach out their dreams and not to settle for less? And why am I not receiving the same support?

They say they need a lecturer and they see it in me. Said my mother and father were lecturers, so I must have the same talent. I don't know if that's true, but I know that it depends on whether I want it or not. Right now, I'm not feeling it. And using my parents as one of the reasons why I should be a lecturer will not make me give in. I think it's a weak argument and a misuse of my mother's name.

I'm not totally against the idea of me being a professor, though. If I eventually become one, that's because I want it - not because of my parents' occupation and not because it's the only readily available opportunity for me right now. The harder you impose it on me, the harder I resist.

So what do I want? I want to live abroad by myself for a few years, while learning something worthwhile. My financial situation doesn't allow a self-funded education, but there are scholarships aplenty. I know I have what it takes to compete for these scholarships. And after that, I want to get international exposure as much as I can - especially in NGOs. I want to test myself, how far and how high my achievements can be. I will not forgive myself if I don't try.

There you go. That's what I want from my life. You can see for yourself that getting a local Master degree and therefore limit my chance for the international exposure I need is way off from my big picture, and I hope you can see that it will kind of alter my life plan if I give in. And no, I'm not planning to pursue a Doctoral degree anytime soon, at least not before I get married.

Oh my, look at the time. It's 3 AM already. I don't know if I'm too worked up about this issue but it's been weighing my chest since the first day I started helping at the school. Makes me reconsider whether to continue or not. I quit my last job to find peace and yet here I am, wide awake until dawn.